Trauma Defined...pt1

Deeply distressing or disturbing experiences…also known as trauma. Trauma…so many people have experienced trauma in one way or another. The way people deal with trauma is significant to who they are during the traumatic event and who they become afterwards. Ultimately, battling trauma seems to be an obvious situation where one loses the ability and will power to move on. You just accept that it is what it is. Until that moment of clarity and acceptance is reached, trauma will affect you mentally and physically in every part of your life. And once you see that it is what it is, you will be able to live with those facts, face them, and move on. The effects of trauma will never go away. They will always be with you in your back pocket or in your expensive cute Louis Vuitton backpack that you carry everywhere you go as a symbol of your status in the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor. It doesn’t matter at all. Trauma can get to you no matter who you are and bury you if you are not willing to face the issue head on. My first trauma; understanding how it feels to grow up without a father.

As a child, I never really felt the effects of my father not being in my life but it was evidently clear that he was never there. He paid his child support and we had no connection. Any attempts at building a connection did not last too long. It was almost a tease to me reflecting on my childhood. We would have moments where he was engaging and was willing to bring me into his world. And then…it would stop. I was used to it. I thought that was normal. His absence did not bother me growing up as I had a large family who was always there for me. His presence was not missed and I never wondered why he wasn’t there for me. However, as an adult, and understanding the incredible need for strong fathers in the black community, I find myself yearning to understand why he did not make any attempts to build a connection with me.

I struggle to grasp at the reason why he did not want to build a bond with me as a child. The days I reached out to him as an adult, spent time at his home with his new family and new young children, all seems to be time wasted in vain. It’s to the point where an interaction or brief passing by may result in minimal conversation with a promise from him to “call me later” only for that call to eventually come after my mother passed away. I want to know why…why did he not want to be with me? Was it my family? Were they too hard on him and pushed him away? Even so, what did they have to do with the relationship he should have built with me? And now as an adult, no one is here to push him away. I have my own family, home, and life. Where are you? I am glad that my mother raised me to be a strong and courageous woman. That strength keeps me grounded and helps me hold my tongue from asking him those tough questions. But the strength does not shield me from the fact that his absence is traumatic, especially now that my mother is gone.

#grieving #thegrievingprocess #covid19 #covid_19 #losingaparent #deathofalovedone #youarenotalone