Unending Loneliness

I started this blog because I wanted to create a space for people like me who are going through the grieving process. With my mother passing away my mental health has deteriorated. I'm not on the edge of destruction but I am feeling overwhelmed, tired, unsure, ignored, and most of all lonely. My feelings of loneliness are the strongest. My mother and I would talk everyday about the most silliest things. I was able to talk to her about anything that was on my mind without being afraid that someone was going to judge me or that I would lose a friend. She was my safe space...my biased but raw and opinionated best friend. She would give me advice and tell me when I was wrong and I never felt hurt or discouraged by her words. And...she would call me...every day. I never thought there would be a day where she didn't call me. I feel lonely on my toughest days being a mom or being a boss at work. She was my moral compass and at times I feel lost without her.

I'm lonely because I feel that no one can understand how devastating this loss is to me. My children will never understand, my husband will never understand, my friends will never understand...no one. Which is true, they cannot possibly understand the bond that my mother and I had. I would not be the woman that I am today if it wasn't for her. She loved and nurtured me and made sure she put me on the path towards success. Since her passing I have become cold, empty, and reserved. I have fully locked into my role at work as it is the only thing I feel I have control over. Or rather, it's the only thing that seems to be enough to keep me from thinking about my mom. I felt nothing during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I didn't even want to say "Happy Holidays" and "Happy New Year" to anyone because I wasn't in the mood. How can I be happy during the holidays when the most important person in my family is gone?

The loneliness does not end there. The things that I love to do that I would normally share with my mother have lost value. One thing about me...I only care about three self-care items: hair, nails, lashes. And, those are the things she shared with me. We could talk about anything related to hair, nails, and lashes for hours. But now...although I still enjoy doing those things...they have lost value to me. I also feel guilty still taking care of myself the way I do because my mom is not here to do these things with me. We would go shopping together and take my kids out so they can experience different things. I have embraced doing that more often with my children as seeing them happy has brought me comfort during this time. But the feelings and energy I would have while shopping has gone away. I couldn't care about any clothes or shoes or handbags at this point in my life because it will not take the pain away. I even bought a brand new car thinking that I would be happy and would be able to move on but the car was only new when I brought it home the first day. Every day after that it was just a car. Meanwhile, my mother is still deceased.

The point...the point is, this unending loneliness may be something that you may be feeling. It doesn't creep up on you...it's just there. It will never go away. My advice, if there is a friend or family member who can truly fill the void then lean to them for comfort and support. If there is an activity that you love to do, pour your heart and soul into it to gain fulfillment. Find things and people who make you happy and keep focusing on that. Again, my children and my husband make me happy. The days I spend with them are filled with so much joy and keeps me motivated to not lose hope in myself and my ability to cope with my loss. It also reminds me about happy times with my mother. I always think about her when my children do something very silly because those are the times where I would call her. Now when they do something silly I just say out loud "you guys make me miss Gigee the most". They really do...

#grieving #thegrievingprocess #covid19 #covid_19 #losingaparent #deathofalovedone #youarenotalone